Disclaimer: The guys don't belong to me, but thanks to Pet Fly, UPN and Paramount for letting us play with them for a while.

This little story is in answer to the Missing Scenes Challenge and contains spoilers for "Vow of Silence". Please archive, elves. :)

Thanks to Rayden, Daydreamer and Babyheart for the beta reading. I really appreciate it girls.

Comments can be sent to Cheyenne at dpack@mmcable.com. Thanks for reading. :))

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A Vow To Live With
(Missing Scene for Vow of Silence
by Cheyenne

The pain in my arm is incredible. I'm not sure if my life here at the monastery has made me soft or if the wound is actually that bad. It's probably not that bad. I never have been able to stand physical pain.

Emotional pain, now that's a different story. That's something I've lived with for most of my life but especially in the last twenty-five years.

I know I have to remain immobile. My life and the lives of others depend on it, but it's taking every last ounce of strength I possess not to give in to my yearning.

I can hear the voices around me, hushed and whispering in reverence. I listen closely for the one voice that means the most to me.

I hurt him earlier and I don't know if he'll ever forgive me, but the truth to my identity had to come out. Jeremy has kept so many of my secrets for so long, it just wasn't fair to keep him in that position any longer, especially with two murders unsolved in our midst. I never wanted anyone else, much less Blair to know of my past, but as with all things, it was time for it to be revealed.

When the shooting had started, I panicked. Not for me, but for the others around me. I didn't even realize that I'd been hit until the brothers and I reached the door to the basement. My thoughts were focused elsewhere. I had seen Blair and Jim run for the front door of the monastery and I desperately wanted to make sure they had reached safety, but Jeremy held me in place while Brother Michael placed a bandage around my arm. I noticed Joseph bandaging Frederick's arm as well. I remember feeling a tide of shame roll across me as I realized just how much hurt I've brought to those around me.

I've known for a long time that my life could end abruptly, mostly likely with a bullet to my head if the wrong people ever found out I was still alive, but the worst was knowing that I had placed Blair in danger.

Jeremy had literally dragged me inside and sat me on the floor before I knew what was happening. He tried to assure me that Jim and Blair had reached safety without being harmed, but I wouldn't let myself believe it. He had finally agreed to find them and bring them to the basement so I could see for myself.

My heart nearly stopped beating when Jeremy returned to tell us how serious the situation had become. He was adamant that we not break our vows regarding non-violence by helping Jim and Blair, but I could see how difficult the decision had been for him.

I could feel my strength failing and knew I would be of no use to them. I remember closing my eyes and sending up a quick prayer for their safety.

>From my past experience with Blair and watching him the last few days with Jim, I knew the two of them wouldn't stop until the men responsible for Timothy and Christopher's deaths were in custody. The thing I feared most was that dear boy being harmed. What would I tell his mother? How would I justify it to myself? I knew he had a wealth of hidden strength and from what I've seen with his interaction with Jim, he wouldn't be hiding in a corner waiting for rescue. He'd be right in the middle of the battle to the bitter end.

I don't know what strange connection there is between him and Ellison, but I can tell it's strong. Ellison treats him like a younger brother, watching out for him, advising him and protecting him. Blair, in turn, is just as protective of Jim. It's subtle, but it's there. I have no right to be, but I find myself just the tiniest bit jealous of the friendship they share.

The stretcher has stopped moving now and I want to breathe a sigh of relief as I hear Blair and Jim approaching me. Ellison has sworn this will work. I pray to God he's right.

I hear several sets of footsteps walk past us before I feel the sheet lifted from my face. It takes all my willpower not to move . I can hear a brief struggle as someone is edged into a waiting car, a police car, if I'm correct. I can tell without having to open my eyes it's the man who had come here to kill me.

"Gotcha, Kosinski, you son of a bitch." I hear him shout from a short distance away. A voice tells him to watch his head, then I hear the car door slam and more muffled shouts from the man.

During my effort to remain immobile, I hear a nearby voice mutter an oath. I think I recognize it but before I can be certain, there is a scratch of gravel, quick steps and the sounds of another struggle.

"Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Easy. Come on."

That's Jim's voice but who is he talking to? I hear the car pull away and rude calls of triumph still ranting from within.

"Come on. Let it go," Ellison says again.

The struggle has ceased and I can hear soft footsteps return to my side and feel the warmth of another human body very near. I know someone is standing next to me.

I open my eyes, squinting against the bright sunlight.

"No. I got you," I call to the disappearing police car, knowing full well that I can no longer be seen or heard by its occupants.

I'm more than a little amazed to see Blair's hand reaching to touch my forehead. There is a look of immense sadness and despair etched into his face just before he jerks his hand back at the shock of seeing a corpse come back to life. I was afraid he'd never want to speak to me again, but that brief look of sorrow on his face gives me hope.

Sunlight filters through his hair, casting a halo of light around his head as he turns to Jim, his eyes incredibly wide and his face full of questions.

"It's a miracle," Ellison tells him with a smile.

Blair looks quickly from him to me back to him.

"Why didn't you tell me?" His voice is still soft with wonder, but Jim is smiling at him with a combination of reassurance and amusement.

"I didn't want to take any chances." Ellison's smile deepens and his voice is now clearly asking forgiveness for his deception.

Blair looks as if he's torn between anger and relief.

"Oh, man. I can't believe this." An uncomfortable look crosses his face as he ducks his head and looks down to me. "I'm really sorry about judging you before."

The shame I hear in his voice is more than I can stand. I want to reach out and hold him, but for a lifetime of reasons, that's impossible.

"I wouldn't blame you if you never spoke to me again," I tell him. I want him to know I'm sorry for what I've done but I'm not certain I know how to put it in to words.

I can hardly believe the embarrassed smile I see making it's way to his face.

"A vow silence? Me? It's not possible." I can see his natural exuberance is beginning to return.

"I'm glad," I tell him, relaxing on to the stretcher.

In my heart I'm rejoicing. I was afraid I had ruined the friendship we'd built up over the years and I knew I didn't want that.

"Take care, Brother Marcus," Jim tells me as he moves off toward Jeremy.

Blair's smile outshines the sun for me as he once again tells me he's sorry then turns to follow Ellison.

Jim's words warm my heart but not as much as the smile I just saw on my son's face.

Perhaps someday I'll be able to explain why I could never step forward to claim him. I pray that if he should ever discover who I am, his work with Jim will help him understand the danger he and Naomi would have been in had allowed them to remain with me.

Cutting the two of them out of my life wasn't an easy decision but it has been for the best. Really it has. At least that's what I tell myself as I'm loaded into the ambulance.

Take care of him, Ellison.

THE END