I'd like to thank my wonderful beta readers: Megan, Deb, Kelly, Daydreamer, Catherine and Tex, plus everyone else who offered.  :) I asked and I received.  They each made this a better read.  Thank you. :)

Disclaimer: No money is gained, only experience.   I don't intend any harm and I certainly wouldn't have left Blair in that fountain.  He doesn't like being cold.  That boy would really like Oklahoma and Texas the past few days. :)  I don't own the characters but if I did...well, that's pretty obvious. :) They are the property of Pet Fly and Paramount and UPN and....pookies on the mean executives who are keeping us in suspense.

Comments can be sent to: dpack@mmcable.com.

Warning: Spoilers for Sentinel, Too.  Not a death story, but kind of a downer.

If I Could Turn Back Time
by Cheyenne

-Journal Entry - May 20, 1998-

My mind is filled with a multitude of thoughts and regrets.  Of things I could have and should have done or said differently, of things I shouldn't have said at all.

Things haven't been going well between Jim and I for a couple of months now.  There have been arguments, disagreements, anger, misunderstandings and a general feeling of being uncomfortable with each other.

I suspect now, that it has been due to the fact of another Sentinel in the vicinity.  This was something Burton's manuscripts never covered.  Like so much of my research, I've had to make guesses regarding what will and will not work for Jim and his senses.

I've felt the tension and unease, but I'm sure it's nothing compared to what Jim is feeling with his heightened senses.  It's like a loose wire.  I haven't felt this disconnected to Jim since... well, since never.

From the moment I walked into that hospital room two years ago, I've had this feeling of a bond between the two of us.  It was something I'd never experienced with anyone else in my life.  I couldn't explain it then and I'm not sure I can explain it now.  It was just a feeling that I'd been waiting to meet this man since the beginning of time.

Only, now...now I'm not sure the thread that has bound us together through so much is enough to get us past the point we currently find ourselves.

I'm afraid I've broken a trust that I'll never be able to regain.

It wasn't intentional. I was excited when I discovered Alex Barnes might be a Sentinel and I knew I didn't want to expose Jim to any unnecessary danger or emotional turmoil.  God knows, he's had enough of that this past year, but, I couldn't help but be intrigued at the possibility of their meeting.

I tried to tell Jim about her that first day, but he was already preoccupied with the...what?  What do I call it? The psychic vibrations he was experiencing from her presence?  I look back at it now and that's the best explanation I can give.  I had hoped to keep them apart until I could set up a meeting in a controlled, clinical environment.   Needless to say, I failed dismally.  Jim found out about Alex before I had a chance to explain.  It only made matters worse when the information on her alias and arrest record turned up.

It never occurred to me that a Sentinel could be capable of such blatantly illegal acts.  This opens up a whole new area of possibility and questions.  What would make one Sentinel the epitome of good and right and make the another one the embodiment of evil?  It was arrogance on my part to expect her to adhere to the same personality traits and protective instincts as Jim.  I never even  considered the possibility that she could be capable of theft and murder.

When we found out about Alex's past, I wanted to say something right then to Jim, but everything that came to mind sounded like an excuse.   He seemed to be convinced I had fallen for Alex's stories because of raging hormones.  A fair assumption given my past history, but his words still hurt.  I think a part of him was afraid I'd abandon him like so many other people in his life.  And Alex is a good looking woman.

It wasn't like she hadn't made suggestions headed in that direction.  She had kissed me the other day, but somehow it felt wrong and I held back. I've 'already' crossed the line between studying a subject and becoming emotionally involved with one.

The cardinal rule of Anthropology, and I shattered it like candy glass.

That sounds a little strange, doesn't it?  'Emotionally involved'.  Except, that's exactly what happened.  And it happened before I realized what was going on.

I've always had a lot of people I called 'friend' and I never thought of myself as lonely before I met Jim, but that's what I was.  I had been keeping my 'friends' at a distance, never really letting any of them close enough to actually know what I was like inside.

I've heard Simon and Jim talking when they thought I couldn't hear, saying how much 'I'd' changed Jim from a stone cold individual into someone who was open and caring.

I'm glad they didn't know me before I met Jim.  I look back on the person I used to be and wonder how I could ever have been so unfeeling to my friends.

It's not that I wouldn't offer help to anyone in need.  It was more that I kept myself at a distance with my feelings.  I didn't want anything more than surface friendship from them.  I didn't dare let them inside.

That's sad, especially with all the women I've known.  After I finally sat down and analyzed it, I realized that it was precisely the reason why none of my relationships have ever worked out.

I may have changed Jim Ellison, but Simon doesn't realize just how much Jim has changed me.  For the first time in my life, I know what it is to have someone around all the time who honestly cares about me and what's happening to me.

I know that makes Naomi sound bad and I don't mean to do that, but I've always known she would be off with her next whim as soon as the mood struck her.  She loves me.  I know that without question, but as with all of Naomi's loves, it's a free love, a love at a distance.  It's not her fault, it's the only way she knows how to love.  That's what she taught me.

With Jim, it's totally different.  I love this man like a brother and I shudder to think what I might have missed out on if so many variables hadn't come together at the right time for Jim and I to have met.  Not just my Sentinel research, but the friendship I would have missed out on.

Scary.

It's hard to admit, but I lost my objectivity concerning Jim Ellison a long time ago.  There's no way I can ever go back to thinking of him as 'only' a research subject.

The tests we've performed over the years have gone a long way to adding information to my dissertation, but not nearly as much as what it's given to Jim in his ability to control and understand his senses.

I told him once that I had enough information for ten dissertations.  What he doesn't know is how much of that data I've kept out of my notes.  There are some things regarding Sentinels the world or a dissertation committee do not need to know.

I've asked myself several times if I could continue with Jim being the subject of my study, at least ethically.  If my committee were to know the depth of my personal feelings or commitments to him, they'd reject my dissertation in a heartbeat.

I don't understand how things could have gotten so far out of hand so quickly.  If Jim had just opened up to me a little more, I might have realized that Alex's proximity was the cause for his behavior and maybe I could have taken steps to prepare him for meeting her.

I never meant to make Jim feel like a 'lab rat' but sometimes I get so excited about his abilities that I lose focus on just how uncomfortable he still is with his senses and the lack of control he experiences every once in a while.

I see now that I was too fascinated with my discovery of a second full-blown Sentinel to see what was happening with my friend.

If I could just turn back time a couple of months and do a few things different, maybe Jim wouldn't feel like I'd betrayed his trust.  Maybe Alex Barnes wouldn't be out there now with enough nerve gas to take out the entire state of Washington.  And maybe...just maybe, I would be standing at my Sentinel's side helping to track down an evil that, God forgive me, I helped create, instead of sitting here in my office, alone.

How could I have been so wrong?

I...

I told Jim he knew where to find me when he was ready to talk.  I can hear footsteps outside my office door.  Jim must have decided it was time.  God, I'm glad.  I don't like this distance between us.  It's been a long night, but maybe with the coming dawn we can work things out between us.  I'll do whatever it takes to make things right with him, even if it means changing my dissertation.  It would be worth it.

End.....